Diary of an Anorexic
For people who have never suffered from an eating disorder, it can be hard to know what goes through the mind of someone who is affected.
Ellie - who lives in Milton Keynes - has agreed to share one week of her diary with us. These are genuine extracts from records she has kept throughout her illness.
Feeling really depressed today. I can’t keep my mind off of my body. It’s pretty hard work with my parents knowing about my problems because they are constantly monitoring me to make sure that I have everything on my meal plan.
I saw the nutritionist last week at my appointment and it really freaked me out! She kept mentioning extra calories that I need, how I need to be eating everything and also to drink at least 2 whole bottles of water a day- two whole bottles!! How is any person meant to achieve that in a day, let alone me?!
I hate drinking liquids that just immediately makes me huge and fatter and so bloated.
Trying to avoid mirrors, I hate having to see myself, full stop. When I do, I just end up crying. I hate the face and body that stare back at me.
It’s really difficult at school because the girls I hang around with go into the changing rooms at break times and do their hair and makeup in front of a huge (wall size) body length mirror.
I hide around the corner like a weirdo so that I don’t see.
Either mum has taken out the battery in the scales or it’s an extremely annoying coincidence. They are feeding me up again, annoying but oh well, nothing that exercise can’t beat!
I want to get that ‘high’ from when this all began. I remember studying my reflection and my flat stomach. I knew what I had to do from that moment on, restrict, restrict, restrict.
I actually felt good about the way I looked and loved myself. I’ve never been able to achieve that again. I think it’s because I’m not trying hard enough. That’s why I’ve decided to stop drinking those two whole bottles and when my parents aren’t looking emptying them.
Its genius, I actually feel quite good about it- managed to only have two or three sips today -On my way to pure perfection!!!
I went to the hospital today. I don’t mind going as much now because I tended to keep all my feelings inside but sometimes it’s good to be able to talk about them and get another perspective too. Some of the stuff that we talk about is really hard but I guess they are trying to help and understand me; it is also nice to know that I do have some support. One thing I do hate about going is when they weigh me or lecture me for loosing weight. I hate it when I gain but they always seem so happy, I can’t really understand that concept yet.
I wasn’t made to get on those dreaded scales today, I don’t think I would have been able to cope with the result anyway so I’m glad I don’t know it!
I just feel too fat already and as if I’m bursting from my sides.
Why can’t they see that I don’t actually need any more food?
I had arguments over not eating at school today with my parents; I forgot to hide my untouched lunch. I’m trying really hard to understand that they are just worried but when you don’t see yourself as others do it is really difficult.
I have to start taking vitamins and essential fatty acid tablets because- “you’re not getting all the nutrients you need” -according to literally everyone.
Why doesn’t anyone agree with ME??
Got to go, Dinner, Oh Joy!
A (very) small part of me really wants to beat this illness but I don’t have anything to motivate me anymore. My period has gone, I was hoping that it was late but it’s not. Why?? That was the only thing that was keeping me going.
I feel fat, ugly and worthless. I hate myself and I hate food even more. I want to murder what is on my plate and whoever puts it on there.
I want to be invisible and blend into the background; to wake up and be in a different body and to be perfect.
Instead, I feel as if everything is slipping away from my fingers. I don’t even have real thoughts anymore, if I do they are of food and how revolting I am.
I really hope that things start to look up because this is not a life that I want to live. I just wanted to be thin. Was that too much to ask?